When I was in My Mother's Womb
Updated: 24 hours ago
We are complex. A lot of layers.
In this post I will touch on childhood trauma. What is trauma exactly?
"Trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event. Experiencing a traumatic event can harm a person's sense of safety, sense of self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships."
Wow! Google just described me.
My whole life I have not felt safe (seeking others to protect me), I have not known who I am as a person (I'm still trying to find that!), and I have seriously struggled with navigating emotions and navigating relationships (I sure have struggled in this area!).
Can anyone relate?
Well, currently I personally have decided to "take the bull by the horns". I have had a counselling session every week for 14 weeks now, give or take. I'd recommend it, but be ready! It may come with a lot of emotions, but also comes with so many rewards.
My last counselling session went something like this: more painful memories, more forgiving (of myself and those that have hurt me), more revelation of mistakes I've made, more revelation of God's grace, more on how God has got me covered... more, more, more. And then me saying "Man, I am so messed up. When is this ever gonna end?!"
My counsellor then said "You have now been brave enough to be honest with yourself and with God. You did the best you did with what you had. And here we are today. You are taking responsibility. You are doing so great! You are learning about God's love for you. You are learning your worth. You are on your way to a healthy you..."
"That was not OK"
Never ever do I want to play the victim, but there is something to be said when someone says "that was not ok"...
Just recently I began delving into some traumatic experiences I had as a small child. I have never before faced them head on. I won't get into the details of what happened, but I can tell you about the lies I started believing at a young age: I have no value, I'm a weirdo, everyone hates me, I'm not wanted, I'm not worthy, I must perform to be accepted, etc. If we are not given the tools to combat the lies as a child, this will follow us into adulthood.
Today I am talking to the broken hearted. Do you feel like you have messed up your whole life? Honesty, I often believe this about myself. BUT... every mistake you made, every poor choice, every hurt you went through (whether caused by you or someone else), was because you, or someone around you, believed some kind of lie. The good news is that these lies can be replaced with truth.
In my counselling sessions we are peeling off the layers. One by one we are exposing the lies and replacing them with the truth.
Let's recap: "Trauma is the lasting emotional response that often results from living through a distressing event. Experiencing a traumatic event can harm a person's sense of safety, sense of self, and ability to regulate emotions and navigate relationships."
Truthfully, I am proud of myself. I look around me and I see broken people who, from the outside, look like they have it all together, but we can see that something is off. Something is happening on the inside that is not adding up. I would rather admit that I don't have it together, and just be real. I'd rather deal with the junk head on, then pretend that there is no junk
A picture from God
I saw a picture in my mind as I was going through prayer counselling a few weeks ago. I saw Father-God on one side of my mom, and Jesus (he seemed to be my friend and brother in this picture) on the other side of my mom. My mom was dealing with her own trauma in the moment, but in that moment, it was irrelevant to me. In that moment, my Father and Brother had their hands on my mom's belly. I was in my mother's womb. They both had their faces close to my mom's belly and they were smiling and excited and telling me how much they loved me and were looking forward to meeting me. This picture is so real still, it brings tears to my eyes.
The lie that I wasn't wanted was replaced with the truth that I was very much wanted, right in that moment. I am excited to continue to work through the lies and replace them with the truth that only God can reveal.
Link: Prayer Counselling
Shrek was onto something when he talked about those complex layers of an onion. I wish I was more like Donkey who compared himself to cake, but we are all mostly like Shrek... just a bunch of layers. My counsellor and I joke that eventually we will get to the last layers of that onion. I look forward to that day, but I am grateful for how far we have come so far.
My dear broken hearted, please find your truth.
Click here to make an appointment for prayer counselling. I'm praying for you. ❤️
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