What Lie did You Believe in That Moment?
They didn't know I was behind the partition and could hear their every word. I remember like it was yesterday: "Who is the father of her baby?", "I hear she hardly knows him", "Apparently he's a black guy", "How embarrassing"...
It was a defining moment there in Smitty's Restaurant back in 1992. That moment solidified some lies that were already planted in my mind.
Just another memory that came up in my most recent counselling session. I have learned to bring these moments to the surface, reevaluate, forgive, let go, bless, address the lie, speak the truth, move on.
The Lens We See Through
There is often a misconception that to receive counsel or coaching, means that you are admitting that you are weak. However, this is not about weakness. This is about life experiences that create a lens that we see the world through.
We all have situations in life that make us see the world around us through a negative or positive lens. We will make a personal judgement on ourself, or the people and the situations around us. This is where an outside perspective is valuable..
In this post I will talk about some personal experiences from my past, but not for the purpose of sympathy or casting judgement.
I do not believe in self-pity or wallowing in pain. Sound harsh? As a soft sided person, I have learned to cry hard and with tremendous conviction. I understand deep soul wounds. But I have learned the importance to stand up strong shortly after and fight forward. That's what God wants us to do. Be the victor and not the victim! At one point I believe I heard God whisper to me, "Get over it"!
Well, OK, God.
Pain is real, and we must walk through it for a season. God feels it with us. He hurts with us. He cries with us. He understands. But there comes a time (even for an empath or HSP) when we have to wipe away the tears and stand up and fight for the good promises God has for us. He is the Healer and we have a responsibility to grab onto the healing and live at our full potential (Philippians 3:13-14).
Emotional Healing
I was 20 years old when I found a nice guy that I knew my parents wouldn't approve of. I came from a conservative and very religious mennonite family. It was my parents belief system that a mennonite should marry a mennonite. But, like many kids in my small religious town, I was rebelling against the religion. So, "teaching my parents a lesson", I began dating this man of Caribbean decent, who went to an Anglican Church, and attended a Catholic School. It still makes me chuckle a little. When I chose this boy to be with, I didn't actually take into consideration how it will have been so very hard for my parents. These were all the wrong things for a traditional mennonite parent.
When I came home one day and told them I was pregnant with his child, their hearts broke. They couldn't imagine the embarrassment.
I was pregnant at age 20, unmarried, in a small religious community. I was already believing lies and seeing the world through an unhealthy lens. I remember one specific moment clearly.
I went into a local restaurant with my large pregnant belly, and was waiting for a friend to join me. As I waited in the lobby, I met up with several people from my high school church youth group. They all were so happy to see me, embraced me with love, hugged me, and it felt so good as I receive their support and acceptance.
I sat down at my table. This group of people were seated on the other side of the partition. They, unknowing that I was hearing their conversation, began to talk about me. "Who is the father of her baby?", "I hear she hardly knows him", they joked, "apparently he's a black guy", "how embarrassing"... it continued. The most hurtful part was it was all said in laughter. I stood up, looked at them over the partition, and their faces dropped. I didn't say anything. I didn't have to.
It was a hurtful moment. But, let's be honest. Most of us have, in one way or another, done this to someone else at some point in our lifetime. Whether there was someone on the other side of the partition or not, it's not what Jesus would do.
These things happen
My point is that these things happen. They aways will, because we are only human. But what I did in that moment was added to a false belief system. This was now my truth: I am an embarrassment. I can't trust my friends. I can't trust people from the church. My friends aren't real friends. And so forth.
This is what we do. We take a moment, we make our assessment, and often, we believe lies about ourselves and we also believe lies about the people around us. As we go through life, these lies are solidified, and these lies become our own truth.
This is where counselling and coaching come in. We often need a third party to help us see from the outside. We need help seeing the truth. Sometimes the lies are so deeply rooted, it will take time and effort to stop believing the lies. God refers to this as "renewing our mind" (Romans 12:2). Some of us may have heard about renewing our minds 1000 times, but it's key!
We can't move forward in victory if we are caught up in lies.
For me, this moment was just one of many moments that led me to believing many lies. The more lies I believed, the more this lens I looked through was tangled. Not having the tools to work through the lies, started a vicious cycle.
Maybe you can relate.
The hurtful things that happen to us are real. But we can't control the people or situations around us. We can take control of the lies and replace them with truth.
So, now, when I have a memory like mentioned above, this is my process:
Bring the memory to the surface
Identify the feelings it brought
Identify the lies I believed
Forgive the person that hurt me
Forgive myself for casting judgement
Bless & release the person that hurt me
Take responsibility for any of my wrong actions
Acknowledge the truth
This is why I believe in counselling and coaching. These are just some steps I have learned in order to heal.
There are a few happy endings to this story. First, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl when I was 21 years old. At age 23, I married her dad. We will celebrate 29 years of marriage this year. My parents both ended up not only accepting him, but absolutely adoring him.
And two of the people that made hurtful comments at that restaurant that day, sought me out to apologize for the hurtful things they said. They remain friends to this day.
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